If you’ve been following my blogs, you may remember that I had an experience about three weeks into my time in Bali when I heard a voice in the early morning when I was still half asleep repeating to me, “you are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Well it happened again a couple weeks ago. One morning I started waking up in the early morning hours and was still in that space in-between consciousness when I heard a voice saying repeatedly to me, “you’re running away from yourself.”
When I heard the voice in Bali, I remember feeling warm and comforted as if I was being hugged. But hearing the words “you’re running away from yourself” doesn’t feel quite as warm and fuzzy. I think this realization has been slowly sinking in ever since I left Denver in June. While I was traveling, it became apparent to me that I am always looking to and planning for the next thing and I struggle to live in the present moment. I first noticed it when I was walking the labyrinth at Bali Silent Retreat and I kept catching myself looking ahead to see where the path led next, thus pulling myself out of the meditation. And during my entire time traveling, I was rushing each experience and putting all of my focus on what was coming next.
This has been a repetitive cycle throughout my adult life. When something in my life starts to become stagnant or is no longer working for me, it doesn’t take me long to turn and walk in another direction. I have made some pretty significant life changes without more than the bat of an eye from job and career changes to marriage and divorce to moving out of the country. In the past I have put in more time and effort to try and make those situations work but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become less tolerant of stagnation and quicker to move on to something new. Part of me feels that I am honoring my growth and expansion as a physical being by not allowing myself to be tied down to things that are not supporting my growth. But another part of me feel like I am constantly giving up…and running away.
I am a Pisces and we are known to be daydreamers. This is certainly true for me and has been since childhood. I spend a good portion of my time consumed in my own fantasyland unless I am completely focused on doing something else. But lately I have been noticing myself getting more lost in my thoughts and daydreams than ever before. I have caught myself on several occasions so consumed in a daydream that a half hour or more will pass without me even noticing it. I drive 20 minutes to and from work everyday and I always look forward to that drive so that I can spend time in fantasyland. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing and in fact I do believe there is some value in it in terms of manifestation, but I can’t help but return to the central theme that keeps coming up for me lately…”you’re running away from yourself.”
So how can I make the commitment to myself to be here now? To find contentment and peace with where I am in each and every step along my path? To feel eagerness and excitement for what’s coming next but just as much contentment and ease with being where I am now? To have the patience to allow myself to find happiness even in undesirable circumstances, rather than running away from them? I think the greatest lesson for me here is that no matter where I try to run to, I will always be there. I literally cannot run away from myself so I may as well give it up and stop trying. The way I see it is that the only choice I have left is to make peace with where I am. And once I can truly do that, everything I have been reaching for will begin falling into my lap. Much easier said than done, but here’s to trying…